good reason not to go to wal-mart

I have many reasons I do not go to wal-mart, but I gained an additional one on last Saturday night. I only had a half hour in order to pick up some printer ink, chips, and salsa before I needed to be to my friends' birthday party. I needed the printer ink to be able to print my lesson for the next day and the chips and salsa were for the party. I usually go to target for said purchases, but wal-mart happens to be closer to my house and my friend's house. So, despite my better judgment I found myself in a harshly lit aisle staring at the salsa when someone approached from my left and said "you don't want any of those."

I turned and looked at a late 40-something man and gave him a confused look. He then proceeded to tell me that he was making fresh peach salsa with peaches from his garden and that I should come over to his house and get some. I just gave a creeped-out courtesy laugh and turned back to making my salsa selection. He then crossed behind me to my right and told me that he was making watermelon salsa the next day and I could go to his house and get some of that too. Another courtesy laugh followed and he was gone.

There is my newest reason: Getting hit on by creepy old men in the salsa aisle.

Some additional reason for not going to wal-mart were observed during this latest trip: A larger woman in a v-neck tank top that was 3 sizes too small with lurpy boyfriend in a wife-beater and baggy pants. Long lines with slow checkers. Security devices on everything over $20 that can easily be concealed in a purse or down someone's pants.

good to go

Dating is one of those things in this life that is a necessary evil. While dating can be an enjoyable experience, at times it can be confusing. Guys often wonder, do I hold her hand; do I go for the kiss? While I can't take full credit for this (this advice was recieved from an older and wiser friend several years ago) here are a few guidelines to follow while adventuring in the land ‘o dating.

The steps to a kiss

1. The “Invitation”

Accepts the “invitation” – go to the next step

Denies the “invitation” – it’s over

2. The “Lean”

Accepts the “lean” – go to the next step

Denies the “lean” – it’s over

3. The “Hand Placement”

Good “hand placement” – go to the next step

Bad “hand placement” – it’s over

4. The “Googily Eyes” or the “Triple Tapper”

“Googily Eyes” – go to the next step

“Triple” Tapper” – it’s over

5. The “Kiss”

Accepts the “Kiss” – go back to step 1

Denies the “Kiss” – it’s over

Ok, so these steps might need a little explanation. The “invitation” simply means call and ask the girl out, ask her out in person, just ask the girl out. Guys know the saying you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, well you are denied 100% of the invitations you don’t extend. If she wants to go, she will find the time. If she repeatedly denies your invitation, move on and find another girl.

The “lean” refers the contact that happens when you’re sitting down at the movie theater and you lean closer to your date so that your arms nearly touch. If she accepts the lean she in turn moves closer. If she denies the lean, she will increase the distance. The concept of the “lean” can also be judged when sitting on the couch; if she sits right next to you when the entire couch is available the lean has been accepted. If she uses the available space on the couch, the lean has been denied.

The “hand placement” is a vital step; it gives permission for you to even think about proceeding to the final step. If there is good “hand placement” the girl’s hand is readily available. It is on her knee or the armrest. It repeatedly brushes against your hand while walking. If this happens you are safe holding that hand. If there is bad “hand placement” the girl’s hand is usually hidden from view, she will fold her arms while sitting and put her hands in her pockets while walking because if you can’t see her hands you can’t hold them.

The “Googily Eyes” refer the look that says I totally want you to kiss me, this usually consist of prolonged looks into the guys eyes with the occasionally glance at the lips. “Googily eyes” are often accompanied with lingering hugs. But be aware of the “triple tapper,” this is the hug equivalent of saying “thanks ole buddy ole pal, you’re my friend so I’ll give you a hug, but don’t even think about anything more.” So if you get a hug with pats on the back, you have just received a “triple tapper.”

Finally we come to the last step, the culmination of the night, the “Kiss!” If you have received the googily eyes, it is a sure thing that a kiss can follow. Now, just because the night might not end with the “kiss” doesn’t mean it wasn’t a success. If you make it through 4 out of the 5 steps the date was a success and feel free to go back to step 1. Steps 1 through 4 are critical to proceeding to step number 5. If any of the previous steps have not taken place do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Unfortunately, every dating situation is different, that is what makes it so evil. The steps to a kiss are just a baseline to judge dating behavior. Best of luck and get dating.

good advice from the captain

One day while I was attending Utah State, my roommate and I were discussing with our FHE brother our frustration with dating. He being the older and wiser big brother provided us with some insightful advice about attracting the best kind of guy. Nearly five years later (whoa that makes me feel old) I think his advice still applies. So girls this is how you can get someone like Captain Stud (he may have been older and wiser but he was still a college boy).

How do I get someone like Captain Stud?
1. Don’t waste time with guys who are below you.
2. Don’t be afraid to be smart or who you are.
3. Don’t laugh at stupid jokes, unless you actually like stupid jokes.
4. You attract the kind of guys that treat you the way you treat yourself. Love yourself, have good self-esteem.
5. Love the Lord first. The order of things: First the Lord, second yourself, and third someone else.
6. There is no list, only values and goals.
7. He should treat you like gold, if he doesn’t he’s trash.
8. Look for the “right one,” don’t make the “right one.”
9. No guy is rich. Either he’s spoiled (bad) or in debt (bad).

Number nine applies more to guys who are still in school; guys who are established in a career are allowed to throw a little dough around. While I haven’t yet landed my Captain Stud, I have been able to see when it is time to bale from a relationship. Thanks Capt’n.